Ted《泰迪熊（2024）》第一季第二集完整中英文对照剧本.docx

J我笨口拙舌JJ-*Mywordsarelazy?J我思绪模糊JJMythoughtsarehazy?J但有一件事我很确定JJButthisisonethingmsureofJJ每个人都需要一个好朋友JJEverybodyneedsabestfriendJJ很高兴我是你的JJmhappymyours?那天晚上我和我一家人一起TheothernightIwasoutatabasketballgame去看篮球赛-嗯withmywholefamilyRight我只是请求我前面那个人能坐下AndIonlyaskedthisguyinfrontofmetojustsitdown不要挡我的视线他就毫不怜悯的打了我abitsoIcouldsee,andhebeatmeunmercifully.他狠狠的打了我一顿我的假发都掉了Hebeatmeverybadlyandmyhairpiecefelloff.情况很糟糕因为他打我的时候Anditwasawful,becausewhenhebeatme,我的假牙也在假发里myteethwerealsoinmyhairpiece.哦天Oh,man.捣蛋双宝真的是最优秀的TheJerkyBoysarelikethegreatest喜剧演员了livingcomedygeniuses.是啊Iknow.就好像电♥话♥It'slikethetelephonewasjust在那儿放了一百年直到这俩男孩儿出现sittingtherefor100yearsandittookthesetwoguys-才搞明白那是干什么用的both：Tofigureoutwhatitwasfor.看看你懂我你懂我See,yeah,youunderstand.Youunderstand.好了我得去嘘嘘Allright.Igottatakealeak.哦该死Oh,shit草Oh,fuck.克莱夫两点钟方向Clive,2o'clock.他要是跟着你进去你就死定了Hefollowsyouinthere,you,readeadman.太糟糕了Thisisbad.但我真得去上厕所Ireallygottogo.午餐时你看到我喝了一整杯果汁YousawmedownthatCapriSunatlunch.我知道你抱着那吸管狠狠地吸Iknow.Youweresuckingthatstraw像是它答应签你做模特一样likeitpromisedyouamodelingcontract.可是约翰尼你得憋住啊ButJohnny,yougottoholdit.憋尿可不安全啊It'snotsafetoholdyourpee.可你必须得这样哥们儿Yougottodoit,man.想想篮球Justthinkaboutbaseball.这能管什么用That'snothowitworks.想想你♥爸♥周末的时候光溜溜的Thinkaboutyourdadcomingoutofthebedroom从卧室出来nakedonaweekend.什么鬼Whatthefuck?他小弟挂在袍子外面Withhishoghangingoutofhisrobe像地震中睡着的蝙蝠一样左右摇摆wavinglikeabatsleepingthroughanearthquake.快给我闭嘴吧Shutthefuckup,allright?跟我一起去给我望风Justfollowmeinthereandstandguard.好吧Allright好了快赶快尿Allright,goon,gettopeeing.好看着门Allright,justwatchthedoor.好OK该死-快啊快啊Shit.Goon,hurryup.我尿不出来Ican't,allright?旁边还有个人我害羞啊There'sanotherguyinhereandmpeeshy.我的老天爷啊嘿老兄你能先出去不JesusChristHeydude,doyoumind?我哥们儿自尊心太强rMybuddy,sselfconscious.我以为他遇到什么麻烦了呢Yeah,Ithoughthemightbehavingsometrouble我可什么都没听到whenIdidn'thearanything.我只想告诉你你要等多久都可以Ijustwantyoutoknow,youtakeallthetimeyouneedto.我不会批判别人Iwon'tjudge.终于Oh,herewego.谢谢你Thankyou.你能尿出来就是最好的感谢了ThatisallthethanksIneed.等等Wait.杰西Jesus?好的没问题的AllrightIt'sOK.一切都会好的Everything'sgoingtobeOK.哦该死他来了快包起来Ohshit,he'shere.Wrapitup.不是这样干的That'snothowitworks.嘿看看是谁在这儿啊Hey,lookwho,shere本内特It,sBennett.他的小男友也在这儿陪着他呢Andhe'sgothislittleboyfriendwithhim.好了克莱夫如果我就是他男友呢AIright,Clive,whatifIamhisboyfriend?如果我们在搞地下情呢Whatifwearehavinganaffair?我能以你永远做不到的方式满足他Icansatisfyhiminawayyounevercould.最好小心点本内特Betterbecareful,Bennett.可别滑倒了Youwouldn'twanttoslip!对了Yeah.做得好本内特Nicegoing,Bennett.再多尿点Peemuch?你不如拿这话去问问你老妈Whydon'tyougoaskyourmother'sface?哦天哪真抱歉OhJesus,Iamsosorry.我这话太过分了Thatwassoovertheline.搞什么啊老兄你真恶心Whatthefuck,dude?That'ssick.我根本没意识到它就从我嘴里出来了ItwasoutofmymouthbeforeIknewwhatitwas.就像你老妈一样Kindoflikeyourmother.我的天哪我这是怎么回事Oh,myGod,whatiswrongwithme?真抱歉Iamsosorry.我活该遭受接下来的一切Ideservewhat,sabouttohappentome.说的对极了Yeah,noshit喝吧小混♥蛋♥-哦该死Drinkupasshole.Ohshit.等等别是马桶啊Wait,no,notthetoilet我不能碰水mnotsupposedtogetwet.我的标签上写着呢Itsaidsoonmytag!泰迪Teddy.是我们倒霉约翰尼Well,thejoke'sonus,Johnny.这水管都没通出去Pipesdon'tgoanywhere.他们就只是把水来回冲Thekidsarejustflushingthembackandforthallday.恶心Yuck.如果你遇到了麻烦没有人可以施以援手Ifyouhaveaproblem,ifnooneelsecanhelp,如果你能找到他们或许可以雇佣一个特遣队andifyoucanfindthem,maybeyoucanhiretheA-Team.我之前看过这集veseenthisepisodebefore.可好看了It'sagoodone.你怎么会看这种烂片Howcanyouwatchthatshit?只是车子追来追去炸♥弹♥乱炸一通It,sjustcarchasesandblowingstuffup.你为什么要把两件这么好的东西Whydidyoujustsaytwogoodthings说成像是不好的一样asifthey'retwobadthings?放我们一马吧布莱尔天哪Giveusabreak,Blaire.Jesus.我们今天过得可不怎么顺Wehadahardday.而且这节目很有教育意义的Andthisshowisveryeducational.我们能学到越南老兵的冲突斗争We'relearningaboutthestrugglesofVietnamveterans还有如何把碎木机变成大炮andhowtoturnawoodchipperintoacannon然后发射卷心菜thatshootscabbages.马蒂今天你上班的时候弗兰克尔医生打来电♥话♥Matty,Dr.Frankelcalledwhenyouwereatworktoday.他说你早该做结肠镜检查rHesaysyou'reoverdueforacolonoscopy.我才不要做Yeah,mnotgettingoneofthose.他说很重要Hesaysit'simportant.那家伙就是个庸医不是的Thatguy'saquackNo,he'snot.他非常聪明He,sverysmart.并不是所有犹太医生都聪明的苏珊NotallJewishdoctorsaresmart,Susan.你这是刻板印象That'soneofthosestereotypes.即使严格来讲你是对的Evenwhenyou'retechnicallyontherightside,你还是能把好话说成坏话youstillfindawaytoruinit.怎么了What?我只是说他们也不都是聪明人Ijustsaidthey'renotallsmart.有些希伯来人眼里只有钱SomeofthemHebrewsarejustinitforthemoney.你这也太冒犯人了Thatisbeyondfuckingoffensive.抱歉男希伯来和女希伯来总行了吧Sorry.HebrewsandShebrews.亲爰的只是做个常规检查Honey,it,saroutinetest.反正都要全程麻醉的You'resedatedthewholetime.我做的时候也没觉得有多糟糕Itwasn'tsobadwhenIdidit.什么What?你什么时候做过结肠镜检查Whenthehelldidyouhaveacolonoscopy?我去年肚子不舒服的时候啊1.astyearwhenIwashavingmytummytroubles.那我在哪儿呢你开车送我啊WherewasI?Youdroveme.我没有啊No,Ididn't.我叫你把我带到街对面的商场门口了Well,Ihadyoudropmeoffacrossthestreetatthemall.我不想让你担心Ididn'twanttoworryyou.再说了你也需要件内搭Andplusyouneededundershirts,乔丹马什百货店正在打折andJordanMarshwashavingasale.这也太逗了Thisishilarious.你这么害怕这个手术苏阿姨甚至都没告诉你You'reafraidofaprocedureAuntSue'sgotdone自己就去做了withouteventellingyou.我不记得去接过你啊Idon'trememberpickingyouup.我走回家的-她还是走回家的Iwalkedhome.-Shewalkedhome.几英里而已It,sjustacoupleofmiles.虽然腿没啥知觉了Couldn'tfeelmylegsanyway,所以鞋弄湿了也感觉不到soitdidn'tmatterifmypumpsgotslushy.马蒂你要怎么做Well,Matty,it'syourmove.我要去拿杯酒Mymoveismgettingabeer.我的检查结果没有问题Myresultswerenegative.天哪他看上去好忧心忡忡啊Ohgosh,heseemssoworried.我真希望特遣队是真实存在的Man,IwishtheA-Teamwasreal.我们就能吧克莱夫揍的屁滚尿流ThatwaywecouldhirehimtobeattheshitoutofClive.克莱夫是谁Who'sClive?学校里那个欺负我们的混&hearts演♥Thisfuckinggoonatschoolwhopicksonus.穆丽尔的儿子克莱夫吗IsthatMuriel'ssonClive?不知道i矣穆丽尔的儿子是个恋小便的Idon'tknow,isMuriel'ssonasadisticsteroidbully施虐狂恶霸肥仔吗withapeefetish?那可怜孩子Oh,thatpoorboy.他从小没有父亲Hedoesn'thaveafather,youknow.他在克莱夫出生前Ohyeah,hewalkedoutonMuriel就抛弃了穆丽尔beforeClivewasevenborn.或许因此他才总是不开心吧It'sprobablywhyhe'ssounhappy这个典型的自我防御机制It,saclassicdefensemechanism.不停的伤害别人Hurtpeoplehurtpeople.等等等等你的意思是Wait,wait,wait,areyousaying克莱夫是个私生子Cliveisabastardchild?他妈妈很善良呢Hismotherissosweet.独自带大他一定很艰难Mustbehard.约翰尼我们一直想要抓住他的小辫子Johnny,wehavebeenblessedwithinformation好用来对付他wecanweaponize.你什么意思Whatdoyoumean?如果是捣蛋双宝会怎么做WhatwouldtheJerkyBoysdo?好了找到了Allright,foundit555-3816555-3816.我们绝对会把这家伙整的哭爹喊娘Oh,wearegoingtofuckthisguy'sheadupsobad.你好Hello?克莱夫我是你爹Clive,thisisyourfather.什么我是你爹What?-myourfather.我在你还小的时候抛弃了你Iabandonedyouwhenyouwereababy.真抱歉我过得很不顺Sorryaboutthat.Ihadaroughday.爸真的是你吗Dad,isthisreallyyou?是的克莱夫Yes,Clive.我他妈绝对是你爹Thisissototallyfuckingyourdad.爸我就知道你会打来的Dad,Iknewyou'dcallsomeday.我妈说你不会但我就知道你会的Momsaidyouwouldn't,but1justknewit.你在哪儿Whereareyou?我能见见你吗Imean,canImeetyou?天哪他想见面Holyshit,hewantstomeet.这情景太经典了Thisisfuckingclassic.我要怎么说-答应他WhatdoIsay?-Sayyes.让他明天在弗莱利餐厅见你TellhimtomeetyouatFriendly'stomorrow.好啊明天放学去弗莱利餐厅Yeah,sure,beatFriendly'stomorrowafterschool.要穿水手服Andwearasailorsuit.水手服Asailorsuit?是啊我参加过海军Yeah,IspentsometimeintheNavy,我对此很有感情soit,ssentimentalforme,youknow.我参加过战争什么战争Ifoughtinthewar.-Whoa.Whichone?你说的对朋友Yougotthatright,myfriend.但我不想太想谈这个Idon'tliketalkingaboutitthough,尤其是谈到细节especiallyinspecifics.天哪太酷了Man,that'ssocool.要穿一套真正的水手服AndImeanarealsailorsuit,allright?就像杰克爆米花盒子上的小孩穿的那样1.ikethekidontheCrackerJackbox.我要从哪儿弄到水手服啊ButwheredoIgetasailorsuit?你这是跟我顶嘴吗Youbacktalkingme?你这不听话的态度就是我离开的根本原因See,thissmartmouthattitudeisexactlywhyIleft.对不起对不起老爸我会穿的我保证Sorry.No,I'msorry,Dad.No,I'lldoit.Ipromise.这还差不多That'smorelikeit.叫他说啊哨Tellhimtosayahoy.你到那儿之后要对别人说啊哨Ohyeah,andsayahoytopeoplewhenyougetthere.好的老爸我等不及要见你了OK.Dad,Ican,twaittomeetyou.你就好好期待着吧小老弟Yeah,getthosehopesskyhigh,buddy.我爱你Iloveyou-我的天哪太爽了Oh,myGod,thatwasfuckingamazing.爽翻天了Thatwasgreat.他去的时候我们得过去看看Well,wegottobetherewhenheshowsup.绝对的等等等等我们不能去Totally.Wait,wait,no,no,wecan,t.他会看到我们然后揍我们一顿的He'llseeusandhe'llkickourasses.他不会的No,hewon't.这样很好这计划好极了Thiswasgood.Thiswasagoodplan.现在就大家所知OK,nowasfarasanyoneknows,我们是两个哈特福特来此出差的广♥告♥经理we'retwoadexecutivesonabusinesstripfromHartford来寻找一些当地的人才-没错lookingforsomelocaltalent.Right.继续上奶昔啊Hey,keepthesemilkshakescoming,huh?好啊-我们在庆祝呢Surething.Youknow,we'recelebrating.刚拿下一个大客户帮庭Justlandedabigaccount.Bounty.他们生产的纸巾特别出名It'saveryfamouspapertowel.是呢我每天都用Yep.1usethemeveryday.好极了Oh,terrific.你知道吗他们最初的广♥告♥语Well,youknow,originallytheslogan本来是一抹而光wassupposedtobethe"quickerpickerupper,然后我们把它改成了厚墩墩的一抹而光butWeaddedtheword"thickerquickerpickerupper.',就这一句广&hearts浩&hearts涧全款拿F一栋避暑别♥型♥Boughtasummerhousewiththatoneadjective.恭喜-是啊Congratulations.Yeah.我妻子总是拒我于千里之外就算我们在同一个房♥间Mywife'smilesaway,evenwhenwe'reinthesameroom.知道吗Youknow,她自从流产之后就不让我碰她了shehasn'tletmetouchhersincethemiscarriage.我马上拿你点的餐来llbebackwithyourFribbles.你搞什么啊Thefuckwasthat?怎么了我这是进入角色Whatdoyoumean?mjustrollingwiththearea.你说的这也太悲哀了老兄Thatwasfuckingsad,dude.真抱歉我想要给我们的背景故事Oh,forgivemefortryingtoaddalittlegravity增加点沉重色彩不然你说为什么我们要出行intothebackstory,allright?Imean,whyarewetraveling?增加色彩你简直让我想割腕Gravity?Iwanttoslitmywrist.所以你就能说厚墩墩的一抹而光SoyougettobeMr.ThickerPickerUpper我就什么都不能说吗andIgotnothingtoworkwithoverhere?打扰了你要巧克力屑吗Sorry,didyouwantsprinkles?我们连名字都想好了宝宝房♥也喷好漆了Wepickedoutaname.Theroomwaspainted.冷静点Calmdown.不不所有人都这样说No,no,that'swhateveryonesays.哀悼是我的权利Igettogrieve.我的天哪快看Oh,myGod,look.啊啼Ahoy.我的天哪-他还真穿了Holyshit.Hefuckingworeit.整理你的方巾吧Yeah.Fixyourkerchief.就是这样这才是个水手样子Thereyougo.Nowyou'reaproperseaman.好了你准备好了吗-好了AllrightYouready?-Yep.我要去了mgoingin.我过去之后别再和服务生聊天了Oh,maybedon'ttalktothewaitresswhilemgone.快去吧你Justfuckinggo.下午好这里是弗莱利餐厅你好Goodafternoon,Friendly,s.-Yeah,hi.我需要你帮我给你的Ineedyoutodeliveramessage一个顾客传个口信tooneofyourcustomers.就那个穿的像个傻♥逼♥的蠢家伙Dumblookingguydressedlikeanidiot.先生弗莱利餐厅到处都是蠢家伙你能说准确点吗Sir,thisisFriendly,s.Canyoubemorespecific?穿水手服的那个孩子Thekidinthesailorsuit.我是他爹我有句话要告诉他Thisishisdad.Igotamessageforhim.你父亲要我给你捎句话Ihaveamessageforyoufromyourdad.他说他不会来了因为你很让他失望Hesayshe'snotcomingbecauseyou'readisappointmenttohim他很高兴他离开了andhe,sgladheleft,他更喜欢自己收养的韩国小孩andhelikeshisadoptedKoreankidsbetter.真抱歉Sorry.天啊这可比流产还悲哀Man,thisiswaysadderthanthemiscarriage.我们本想给孩子起名劳伦斯的HisnamewasgoingtobeLawrence.我还是觉得昨天的事干的太没品了Youknow,Istillfeelreallyshittyaboutyesterday.我也是Yeah,metoo.我甚至都要觉得克莱夫是个活生生的人了It'salmostlikeClive'sanactualhumanbeing,有血有肉有心的人withaheart.肯定不会有事的Well,youknow,msureit,sgoingtobefine.你们听说吗克莱夫想要自杀Hey,didyouguyshear?Clivetriedtokillhimself.我的天哪Holyshit他吃了一整瓶维生素小熊糖HeateanentirebottleOfFlintstonesvitamins.连贝蒂熊也吃了EventheBettys.他他有说为什么吗Didhedidhesaywhyhedidit?管他呢我从没觉得如此畅快Whocares?Ineverfeltmorefree.现在我能穿我的爰司基地T恤了Now1canwearmyAceOfBaseshirt还不用担心被揍withoutgettingmyasskicked.该死泰迪我们该怎么办Shit,Teddy.Whatarewegoingtodo?这个我们可管不着It'soutofourhands.要是他想穿那T恤就让他穿吧Ifhewantstoweartheshirt,he'sgoingtoweartheshirt不不我是说这都是我们的错No,no,Imean,thisisourfault.要是克莱夫不是个蠢蛋他现在就是个死人了IfClivewasn,tanidiot,he'dbedeadrightnow.好了知道吗Allright.OKYouknowwhat?我们可以搞定的WecanfixthisT恤真好看啊基佬Niceshirt,queerh!自然界果然厌恶真空Hm,natureabhorsavacuum.准备好了吗OK,youready?-Yeah.等等等等Hangon.Hangononesec.那孩子的一颗心就握在我们手中呢Wegotaboy'sheartinourhandshere.我得保持头脑清醒IwanttomakesureIgotmywitsaboutme.好了可以了打给他吧Allright,mgood.Callhim.喂-嗨克莱夫Hello?HeyClive.我是你爹It,syourdad.你吃下去的都吐完了吗YoudonebarfingupBammBamms?别来打扰我1.eavemealone.等等等等稍等一下Wait,wait,justhangon.Hangon.我想跟你道歉Iwanttoapologize.抱歉我昨天没去msorryaboutnotshowingupyesterday.你为什么不去Thenwhydidyoudoit?又为什么留下那样的消息Andwhydidyouleavethatmessage?那是一个测试Itwasatest我想要测验一下你的男子气概Itwasatestofyourmanhood.你顺利通过了Andyoupassedwithflyingcolors.你说你更喜欢你收养的韩国小孩YousaidyoulikedyouradoptedKoreankidsbetter.对哈Oh,yeah.我已经不再收养他们了Well,youknow,Idon'thavethemanymore.是吗Youdon't?那时候似乎是个挺酷的主意No,itseemedlikeacoolideaatthetime,但花了我好大一笔钱butitwascostingmeashitload,所以我就把他们放归大自然了soIhadtoreleasethembackintothewild.所以你才对我如此重要克莱夫Butthat'swhyyouaresoimportanttome,Clive所以我们的关系才如此重要That'swhyourrelationshipissoimportant.那我能真的见见你吗Wellthen,canImeetyouforreal?好啊Yes.最终会见的最终会的Eventually.Eventually.但现在我忙着工作呢Butrightnow,mkindofbusywithwork.你是做什么的我是做什么的Whatdoyoudo?Whatdo1do?一个想要孩子的广&hearts浩♥经理Adexectryingtohavekids?老天你是跟这角色杠上了吗Jesus,whatthefuckisitwithyouwiththat-我有幸成为了一名洛杉矶的地下战士masoldieroffortuneintheLosAngelesunderground.哇哦Whoa.我和其他突击队员Yeah,meandtheseothercrackcommandos开着货车同邪恶势力对抗fightinjusticefromourvan.好酷啊That'ssocool.如果有人遇到了麻烦Yeah,ifpeoplehaveaproblem没人施以援手如果你能找到我们andifnooneelsecanhelpandifyoucanfindus,就能雇我和我的朋友去帮忙maybeyoucanhiremeandmyfriends.这差不多就是我们的标语That'skindoflikeourslogan.我老爸竟然有辆货车Wow.Mydadhasavan.随便吧我会常联♥系♥你的好好上学Yeah,anyway,llkeepintouchanddogoodinschool.我在学校糟透了Isuckatschool.明天还有场数学考试我估计会挂掉的Ihaveamathtesttomorrowmprobablygoingtofail.拜托Oh,comeon.你肯定比你想象的更擅长数学Ibetyou'resmarteratmaththanyouthink.这样如果一个恶霜因为性取向而胖揍了十个孩子1.ikeOK,like,ifabullybeatsup10kidsfortheirsexuality又因为其中的百分之二十参加了唱诗班and20%ofthemareinthechoir而多揍了几拳那么有多少人会进医院sotheygetextrabeatings,howmanygotothehospital?两个Um,two.猜猜怎么着没自信先生你刚做了一道数学题Guesswhat,Mr.ICant?Youjustdidmath.待会儿再聊吧lltalktoyoulater.我觉得我们处理好了Ithinkwefixedit.我也这么想Yeah,Ithinksotoo.我现在感觉真棒Ifeelreallygoodrightnow.我也感觉好棒我们真是大好人Ifeelsogood.-We'regoodpeople.现在他要是还自杀那肯定是因为别的事Yeah,ifhekillshimselfnow,it'sfromotherstuff.这些汉堡怎么好像Whyweretheseburgersjust,like,在水里泡过了一样sittinginatrayofwater?是啊为什么会做成这样Yeah,Idon,tknowwhytheydothat.每次一到汉堡日Yeah,everytimeit'sburgerday,那些汉堡就泡在水里theretheyare,justsittinginwater.我不知道看上去挺正常的Idon'tknow.Itseemsnormal.叫几个哥们儿泡上几个汉堡看看比赛Havetheguysover,waterupsomeburgers,watchthegame.有件事很奇怪Hey,youknowwhat'sweird?怎么了What?我一直在想克莱夫的事vebeen,like,thinkingaboutClive.我也是-真的吗Yeah,metoo.Youhave?是啊我真的在想Yeah,likeIveactuallybeenwondering他考试考得怎么样howhedidonthattest.我也是这感觉糟透了Metoo.It'sfuckedup,right?感觉像是我真的在乎他一样It'slikeIactuallygiveashitabouthim.约翰尼快看)ohnny,look.真不知道他干嘛要和那些男生一起玩Idon'tknowwhyhehangsoutwiththoseboys.他们只会带坏他They'reabadinfluence.我觉得约翰逊数练1thinkCoachJohnson.天哪我想那个就是他的考卷了Holyshit.Ithinkthat'shistest.等等别看现在先别看Wait,don'tlook,don'tlook,don'tlooknow.上面写了什么我不知道Whatdoesitsay?Idon'tknow.上面写了评级但我看不到There'sagradeonthefront,butIcan'tseeit.我们得离近些看看Wegottogetacloserlook.听上去很难Thatsoundsreallytough.他们知道怎么做爆米花却不碰它Theyknowhowtomakecornandtheydon'ttouchit.你想干嘛本内特Whatthefuckdoyouwant,Bennett?没什么没什么我只是Nothing.Nothing.Youknow,mjust只是随便走走mjust-mju