Ted《泰迪熊（2024）》第一季第五集完整中英文对照剧本.docx

J我笨拙舌我呆头呆脑JJMywordsarelazy,mythoughtsarehazy?J但有一件事我很清楚JJButthisisonethingmsureof?J所有人都需要一个好朋友）JEverybodyneedsabestfriend?J我很开心我是你的JJmhappymyoursJJ每天派对到深夜JJ-*Nightandpartyeveryday/J我要摇摆一整夜JJIwannarockandrollallnightJ谢了伙计Thanks,buddy.我本来以为这首歌♥的歌♥词是Youknow,Iusedtothinkthewordstothissongwere,我想要摇滚一整夜白天的一部分"Iwanttorockandrollallnightandpartofeveryday.,就好像他们只是要白天1.ike-like,they'reonlygoingtorockandroll花一部分时间摇滚还要腾出时间来for,like,aportionofthedayandalsotaketimeout吃饭啊什么的forthingslikemealsand,youknow,还有陪家人和孩子timewithfamilyandchildren.这歌♥的内容可不止这点哥们There'salotgoingonwiththissong,man.这首摇滚歌♥是在讲Thisisarockandrollsongaboutwanting想要享受一首摇滚歌♥toenjoyarockandrollsong.这样就是一首摇滚歌♥了吗Doesthatactuallymakeitarockandrollsong?这样我告诉你个更好的Youknowwhat,IIdoyouonebetter.准备好大吃一惊了吗-快说吧Readytogetmindfucked?Giveittome.有首歌♥叫土豆怪兽是首关于舞蹈的歌♥Thesongthe"MonsterMashisasongaboutadancecalled这舞蹈叫土豆怪兽是基于theMonsterMash,whichisbased一首叫土豆怪兽的歌♥但并不是onasongcalledthe"MonsterMash,"whichisnot那首土豆怪兽thesongthe"MonsterMash.,我的天哪Holyshit.Yeah.我不想再磕这么嗨rIdon'twanttobehighanymore.孩子们总把事情搞得一团糟不是吗Well,kidsmakeallkindsofmesses,don'tthey?约翰八岁的时候有一次Onetimewhenhewaseight,Johnstole他从商店偷了一个热狗ahotdogfromthestore.放进自己口袋里Heputitinhispocket.然后进了洗衣机Anditwentthroughthewash.不No.出来还是一整块Itcameoutinonepiece.是不是很神奇Isn'tthatamazing?那天上帝都在眷顾我们Oh,Godwassmilingonusthatday.哦我的老天爷Oh,forChrist'ssakes.苏珊Susan!我的天Holyshit.我们是死了吗Didwedie?我觉得Yeah,Ithink-我们是死了Ithinkwedied.抱歉马蒂msorry,Matty.我刚刚在用打蛋器Ipluggedintheeggbeater.你干嘛要在我看明日之星的Whyareyouusingtheeggbeater时候用打蛋器呢whenmwatching"StarSearch"?我在做巧克力蛋糕Iwasmakingusbrownies.我现在没法儿知道新星是谁了Nowmnotgoingtoknowwhothenewstarsaregoingtobe.我也不用非做完Well,1don'thavetofinishthem.把面糊掏出来就行了lljustthrowthebatterout.既然你已经开始做了Well,ifyoualreadystartedthem,最好还是做完吧youmightaswellfinishthem.好吧OK.我去重置断路器Igottagoresetthebreaker.给我让开约翰尼Outofmyway,Johnny.我的天哪Oh,myGod.他们能看到我们我们一定还活着Theycanseeus.Wemuststillbealive.第二次生的机会啊Oh,Wow,asecondchance.这次你做小可.爱我当大帅逼OK,thistime,youbethecuteone,andllbethehotone.好耶OK.断路器坏了Breakerisbusted.天啊真的吗Oh,man.Really?马蒂出什么事了吗Matty,isitallright?断路器完全烧坏了Oh,breakerisshottohell.只能明早叫人来修1Ihavetocalltheguyinthemorning.那我们直到明天都没电r吗Sowedon'thavepowertilltomorrow?是的苏珊Yes,Susan.断路器坏掉就是这结果That'swhatabustedbreakermeans.也没那么糟Well,thisisn'tsobad.我们可以点几根蜡烛玩玩游戏Wecouldlightsomecandles,playsomegames,互相大声读我们最喜欢的书maybereadaloudtoeachotherfromourfavoritebooks.或者我们可以用记号♥笔OrwecouldtakeaSharpieandcircle在对方身上把我们认为thepartsoneachother,sbodies需要改进的地方圈出来wethinkneedimprovement.这有趣多了Thatsoundsmorefun.闭嘴吧你们Shutup,youguys.苏珊没问题Sus,yes.这是个好主意Thatsoundslikeagreatidea.咱们去找找游戏好啊1.et'sgofindthegames.OK.小心些布莱尔Becareful,Blaire.下面不知道哪里有把枪There'sagundownheresomewhere.但我不记得在哪里了ButIdon,trememberwhereitis.这也算令人欣慰了That'scomforting.我们看看1.et'sseenow.这里面有个盒子应该装着问答游戏Ithinkthere'saTrivialPursuitinoneoftheseboxes.地板怎么是湿的Whyisthefloorwet?我知道我们本来应该处理一下的1know,we'resupposedtogetthatfixed.但我喜欢夏天的时候来这儿ButIliketocomedownhereduringthesummer让脚凉快凉快andcoolmyfeet.我的天哪Oh,mygosh.小可爱Oh,sweetie.嘿好耶-来电了Hey,allright.-Hey,therewego.电箱好生生的Boxwasworkingjustfine.我下楼的时候就不是这样啊Well,itwasn'twhenIwasdownthere.我也不知道该怎么说-没事的亲爱的Idon'tknowwhattotellyou.It'sOK,honey.我们都知道你害怕蜘蛛Weknowyouwerescaredofthespider.你说什么呢Whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout?电箱上有只蜘蛛Therewasaspideronthebox.他一直都害怕蜘蛛Heosalwaysbeenscaredofthespiders.你就打算眼睁睁看着我们坐这儿Wait,youwerejustgoingtofuckingletussithere大声读书吗andreadaloudfrombooks?你们都是坏蛋Screwallofyou.马蒂怎么了Matty,why?我才不害怕蜘蛛苏珊mnotscaredofthegoddamnspider,Susan.断路器就是不工作了Thebreakerwasn'tworking.我要去特拉梅尔店mgoingdowntoTrammels.一如既往的躲进了避难所Andhepullsthefuckingripcord,justlikealways.你这又是什么意思Whatthehellisthatsupposedtomean?你每次吵不过别人就扭头就跑Anytimeyou'relosinganargument,youleave.头也不回的从那扇门出去Youjustwalkoutthedoor.马蒂你不能走Matty,honey.Youcan'tleave.你今天还没拉便便呢Youhaven'tmadestoolyettoday.我的老天爷啊苏珊JesusChrisSusan.医生说了要是超过两天没大便Well,thedoctorsaysifit'sbeenmorethantwodays,你就得打电&hearts话♥过去youneedtocallhim.我昨天拉了拉的可好了Ididityesterday.Itwasagoodone.就像鸡妈妈窝在自己的蛋上自豪的嗷嗷大叫1.ikeamotherhencrowingoverheregg.大家都看到了Youallwatchthis.他回来以后大家都要向他道歉Whenhecomesback,everyone'sgoingtoapologizetohim因为他操纵大家的感情becausehe'smanipulatingthecircumstancestomakeit弄的自己一副受害者的样子seemlikehe'sthevictim.抱歉msorry.我不该说蜘蛛的事情Ishouldn'thavetoldthemaboutthespiders.不你看-真抱歉No,see?-msosorry.我就是这个意思Thisiswhatmtalkingabout,OK?明明是他像个小孩一样叽睡乱叫He,stheoneactinglikeawhiningbaby.应该是他向你道歉Heshouldbeapologizingtoyou.我不应该让他难堪的Ishouldn'thaveembarrassedhim,OK?我觉得你害怕蜘蛛是件很可爱的事Ithinkit,scutethatyou'rescaredofthespider.我不害怕蜘蛛mnotscaredofspiders!天哪真是服了God,thisissofucked.真是典型的功能不健全的操蛋的Thisisjustclassicdysfunctional,fuckedup,白人垃圾婚姻whitetrashmarriage.喂喂喂你说什么Whoa,whoa,WhOa,whoa.What?什么我说什么Whatdoyoumean,what?你妻子一直试着和你交流Yourwifeistryingtoengagewithyou.你却像个混♥蛋♥一样对她不理不睬Andyou'redismissingherlikeanasshole.你每天都这样Andyoudoitallthetime.苏珊我是个混♥蛋♥吗Susan,amIanasshole?当然不是了马蒂Oh,ofcoursenot,Matty.你是个退伍老兵啊You'reaveteran.看到没See?你觉得国家会让混♥蛋♥去上越战战场吗Youthinkthey'dsendanassholetoVietnam?你不是被开除军籍了吗Weren'tyoudishonorablydischarged?不我不是被开除军籍的No,Iwasn'tdishonorablydischarged也不是光荣退役的orhonorablydischarged.这怎么可能啊Howthehelldoesthatwork?就像我刚刚说的啊JustexactlylikeIjustsaid.所以军队就告诉你不是你的错Sothearmybasicallysaid,it'snotyou.是我们的错-就是这样It,sus.-That,sright.我们还没准备好We'renotsurewe,rereadytohaveanybody让任何人参军呢inthearmyrightnow.差不多吧Moreorless.军队现在只想关注军队自己Thearmyjustwantstofocusonthearmyforawhile.看到没他就懂See?Hegetsit.苏珊阿姨他一点都不尊重你AuntSus,heissofuckingdisrespectfultoyou.你也从来不维护自己Andyouneverstickupforyourself.我对天发誓你们需要做婚姻咨♥询♥了IsweartoGod,youguysneedmarriagecounseling去他的吧Oh,fuckthat.怎么了难道你连心理咨♥询♥也害怕What'sthematter?Areyouscaredoftherapytoo?哦狠啊-好戏登场了Oh,shit.-Oh,it'son,fuckers.我才不会付给心理医生八十块大洋mnotgoingtopaysomeshrink80buckstositthere坐那儿让他给我看那些像露着老二的牧师andshowmeinkblotsthatalllooklikepriests的墨点儿呢（墨迹测验）withtheirdicksout.这已经是个进步了Well,Ithinkthat,salreadyprogress.我有个想法1.ook,Ihaveaproposal.我在咖啡店加班I'vesavedupalittlemoney攒IJ点钱workingextrashiftsatthecoffeeshop.作为给你和苏珊今年的圣诞礼物AsmyChristmasgifttoyouandSusanthisyear,我掏钱让你们参加一次婚姻咨♥询♥Iwillpayforonemarriagecounselingsession.你只需要过去就好Allyougottodoisshowup.马蒂我们能去吗Oh,Matty,canwe?天哪苏珊Jesus,Susan.我们能说些什么呢Whatwillweeventalkabout?我们可以谈谈我们有多爱彼此Oh,Wecantalkabouthowmuchweloveeachother.好吧告诉你OK.Youknowwhat?可以Fine.去就去只为了给你看看你说的都是一堆屁话We'llgo,justtoshowyouthatyou'refullofshit,我和苏珊的婚姻美满极了andSusanandIhaveagreatmarriage.这样好了我们现在就去Infact,youknowwhat,let'sgorightnow.晚上九点人家又不开门It,snotopenat9:00p.m.废话又开始了Andthebullshitbegins.当然了弗罗斯特诗歌♥中Now,ofcourse,themostwell-knownsingularity最著名的一句是inFrostpoemistherepetitionof,入睡前我还有很长的路要走AndmilestogobeforeIsleep,”指的不仅是字面意义上的睡觉而是死亡whichrefersnottoliteralsleepbuttodeath以及难以承受的andtheoverwhelming你有什么事情Istheresomethingyou'dliketoshare想和大家分享吗莱昂斯小姐withtheclass,MissLyons?我们只是好奇你的裤子是不是还不够大Wewerejustwonderingifyourpantsarebigenough.你什么意思Excuseme?只是你的穿搭实在是个Itjustseemslikethere,salittlefashion时尚灾难现场emergencygoingon.你的裤子是从失物招领捡回来的吗Didyougetyourpantsfromthelostandfound?这裤子是有点宽大Yeah,thesepantsarealittlebig.是我爸的Theyweremydad,s.想问我为什么要穿我死去父亲的裤子吗WhyamIwearingmydeadfather'spants,youask?因为我搬回家和我妈一起住了Becausevemovedbackinwithmymother.我老婆两周前为了一个壁球老师离开了我Mywifeleftmetwoweeksagoforaracquetballteacher.开心了一天哪冷静点Happynow?God,chillout.只是开个玩笑Itwasajoke.我也很想冷静艾琳dlovetochillout,Erin.我真的很想Ireallywould.但是生活不允许我这样做Butyouknowwhat,lifehasotherplansforme.我老婆说他们上♥床♥的时候Mywifesayshemakeseyecontact有眼神交流withherwhentheymakelove.而对我来说有眼神交流就硬不起来了Withme,it'seithereyecontactoranerection.只能选择一个Youhavetochooseone.我傻傻的以为能硬起来才是正确选择Andsillyme,Ithoughttherightchoicewastheerection.这正确率本来就是一半半不是吗Well,Ihada50/50shot,didn'tI?原来她想要的是眼神交流Turnsoutshewantseyecontact我现在只能搬回家和老妈住了AndnowthatIvemovedbackinwithMother,我只能对着马桶打飞机因为我的床会咯吱响1havetomasturbateintothetoiletbecausemybedsqueaks.当然了要是你问我前妻Ofcourse,ifyouaskmyex-wife,他会告诉你乔治老师的精♥子♥只配被扔进马桶thetoiletiswhereMr.George'sspermbelongs.这才叫笑话艾琳NowthereSajoke,Erin.哈哈哈Ha,ha,ha,ha,ha.乔治老师我们能去我办公室聊聊吗Mr.George,canwehaveatalkinmyoffice?天真不知道是怎么了Gee,Iwonderwhatthisisabout.所有人请自行阅读81到96页Everyone,pleasereadpages81to96.开玩笑呢你们爱咋咋地吧mkidding.1don'tgiveashit.今天你们看到的情绪失控够多了Ithinkthat'senoughemotionaltraumafortheday.孩子们提前下课回家吧Whydon'tyoukidsgohomeearly?天哪刚刚简直太疯癫了Man,thatwasinsane,huh?是啊拉拉队员都好刻薄啊Yeah.Thosecheerleadersaremean.你就得出这结论That"sthatswhatyougotfromthat?至少我们下午没事儿了Well,atleastwegottheafternoonoff.街头曲棍球吗街头曲棍球Streethockey?Streethockey.好极了Fuckyeah看好了宝贝儿Allright,thisisit,baby.我要打倒你去你的吧鲍比奥尔You'regoingdown.-Yeah,fuckyou,BobbyOrr.尽全力来吧Takeyourbestshot.本内特在比赛最后几秒钟错失良机AndBennettchokesinthefinalsecondsofthegame.实在是太丢脸rThisisanabsolutedisgrace.该死Ah,shit看看那些慈善机构的孩子们1.ookatthedisappointedfacesonall脸上失望的表情他们只想看到theseMakeAWishkidswhoonlywanted棕熊队获得胜利啊toseeaBruinsvictory.泰迪Teddy-这一令人震惊的结局引起了球迷们Thisisastunningupsetfueling极大的愤怒他们无疑会发泄到自己妻子身上anangerthefanswillnodoubttakeoutontheirwives.我得说唐-给我闭嘴吧行吗AndIgottosay,DonShutthefuckup,allright?我问你点事-什么Igottoaskyousomething.What?你觉得布莱尔说的对吗DoyouthinkBlaireisright?我爸妈的婚姻真的很失败吗1.ike,domyparentshaveafuckedupmarriage?这问题很难回答Well,that'soneofthosetoughtoanswerquestions,约翰尼就比如你在哪儿找到泰迪熊能穿的曲棍球装备)ohnny,likewheredidyoufindTeddybearsizedhockeygear?我真的不知道答案Ijustdon'tknow.如果他们真的存在婚姻问题Andiftheyarehavingproblems,会和我有关吗isanyofitmyfault?我又能做些什么1mean,whatcanIdo?我已经在头脑风暴了Well,mjustbrainstorming.但我觉得或许伤害自己Butitseemslike,maybe,hurtingyourself会给他个教训couldteachhimalesson.天我还没考虑过这个办法Gee,Ineverthoughtofthat.那我还得自己忍♥着疼Thendbeinchargeofthepain.没错-只有我自己知道我该承受多少Exactly.OnlyIknowwhatIdeserve.我就伤害我自己正好那么多Anddgivemyselfjustthatmuch.jV我现在突然意识到Yeah,youknow,mjustnowstarting这办法有漏洞toseesomecracksinthis.嘿情况如何Hey,howditgo?我为这咨♥询♥花了80块Ipaid80bucksforthatsession,)你就这么跑了andyoujustfuckingwalkedout?从我一走进那扇门那个庸医Thatquackhaditinformethesecond1就开始针对我walkedinthatdoor.你知道他说什公吗知道他说什么吗Youknowwhathesaid?Youknowwhathesaid?他说我自私Hesaidmselfish.多惊讶啊Oh,shocker.他说我需要多妥协一点Yeah,hesaid,Ineedtocompromisemore.你能相信他这一番胡话吗Canyoubelievethatfuckingshit?我一周工作60小时只为了支撑起这个家mworkinga60-hourweekjusttokeeparoofoverourheads.他的确工作很努力Hedoesworkalot.看连她都能明白See?Evenshegetsit.我做的所有事都是为了你EverythingIdo,Idoitforyou.等等你的意思是你不能强求我Wait,soyou,resaying,youcan'ttellme这不值得一试it'snotworthtryingfor.没错-还有我也无能为力Exactly.Like,Ican'thelpit.这一切都不是为了我自己看到没There'snothingIwantmore.-See?你知道这是真的Youknowit'strue.我的天哪Oh,myGod.简直不敢相信他说了这话Shit,Ican'tbelievehesaidit太精彩了Oh,fuckingamazing.什么What?是布莱恩亚当斯的歌♥词It'sBryanAdams.太精彩了太精彩了Oh,whatatreatWhatatreat马蒂婚姻咨♥询♥的苣义就在于Matty,thewholepointofthiswas能让你能够客观的看待自己的婚姻foryoutogetaneutralperspectiveonyourmarriage.他才没有客观看待Hewasnotneutral.她说的一切他都赞同Heagreedwitheverythingshesaid.我说的他就嗤之以鼻AndhetookashitoneverythingIsaid.让我理清楚Soletmegetthisstraight.所以只有赞同你的意见才能叫客观Sonoone,sneutralunlesstheyagreewithyouallthetime.明白Gotit那家伙从哈佛大学镀了金Theguy,saHarvardfancypants.他根本不懂普通人Hedoesn,tunderstandregularguys.特拉梅尔酒吧的酒保ThebartenderdownatTrammellsalways就总认为我是对的thinksmright.说真的他昨晚还对我说Infact,hejustsaidtomelastnight,你想说的都说了你可以回家了"You'vemadeyourpoint.Youcangohomenow."那我们就弄清楚OK.Solet'sfigurethisout.如果费尔德斯坦医生不中立那谁能做到IfDr.Feldstein'snotneutral,thenwhowouldbe?你愿意让谁来做你们中立的裁决者Whowouldyouacceptasaneutralarbiter?一个不带私人目的的人Someonewithnofuckingagenda.就比如泰迪1.ikeTed.泰迪Ted?对啊他很公正也不管闲事Yeah,he'sanevenguy,mindshisownbusiness.他就很中立He,sneutral.这主意有趣That'saninterestingidea那你接受泰迪作为中立的裁决者Soyou'dacceptTedasaneutralarbiter?当然Absolutely.那就这样干你怎么说泰迪Fuckit.WhatdoyousayTed?说什么Aboutwhat?抱歉我在玩填字游戏Sorry.IwasdoingtheseMadLibs.八十鸡年前Fourscoreandsevencocksago.这比原来的句子有意思That'sbetterthantherealone.集中注意Focus.你愿意聆听苏珊和马蒂各自的看法WouldyoubewillingtolistentoSusanandMatty'ssides然后做出客观的判断吗andthenmakeanobjectivejudgmentcall?你什么意思就像心理医生一样吗Whatdoyoumean,likea-likeatherapist?不是心理治疗就只是聆听Nottherapy,justlistening布莱尔Oh,Blaire.他不想做也没关系It,sallrightifhedoesn'twantto.我就看看奥普拉脱口秀就好Icanjustwatch"Oprah.,或许会有个适用于我的情况的话题Andmaybethey'llhaveatopicthatappliestome.你愿意吗Willyoudoit?借用亚伯拉罕林肯的话Well,inthewordsOfAbrahamLincoln,无法自动控制的腹泻不能够约翰的小鸡鸡adiarrheadividedagainstitselfcannotJohn,swiener.拜托老兄别写这个Oh,comeon,man.Don'tputthat.好吧我这就擦掉OK.1Ieraseit.也不用穿这么正式吧Youknow,thesuitwasn'tnecessary.布莱尔拜托Blaire,please.约翰尼是我最好的朋友Johnnyismybestfriend.他和这事有直接的利害关系He,sgotastakeinthis.所以我既然要做就要好好做Soifmdoingit,I'mdoingitright.现在我们从基本问题开始Nowletsstartwiththebasics.你们的婚姻Wouldyouclassifyyourmarriage性生活是否满足assexuallysatisfying?什么What?你们发生性♥交♥的频率是多少Howoftenwouldyousayyouhaveintercourse?这和你有什么关系That'snoneofyourgoddamnbusiness.不如我们就1.ook,whydon'twejuststick-半年一次-半年一次Everysixmonths.-Everysixmonths.肛♥交♥呢Andwhataboutanal?老兄你认真的吗-我的天啊Dude,seriously.-JesusChrist.我们的确喜欢房♥间干净点Wedoliketheroomtobeclean.有的Yeah.她说有Shesaid,yes.太搞笑了Hilarious.我要你们看着对方OK,nowIwantyoutoturntoeachother说出自己认为最刻薄的话andsaythemeanestthingyoucanthinkof泰迪不如问他们一些有意义的事Ted,whydon,tyouaskthemsomething比如他们如何相遇的productivelikehowtheymet,他们是怎样相爱的whatoriginallydrewthemtoeachother?好吧Allright.马蒂苏珊最初吸引你的是哪一点Matty,whatoriginallyattractedyoutoSusan?她的天真Herinnocence.额好吧Oh,OK怎么了What?我还以为1thought-我已经写下了Ialreadywroteit's-算了it'sfine.苏珊呢Susan.他的真心Hisheart.我和马蒂初次相遇时WhenMattyand1firstmet,他给我们买♥♥了西蒙和加芬克尔组合的演唱会门票heboughtusticketstoseeSimon&Garfunkel.那天是周五ItwasaFriday.他从早上六点就开始工作了Andhe'dbeenworkingsince6:00a.m.可怜的马蒂已经很累了PoorMattywassotired.如果有治疗疲倦的方法Well,ifthere'sanycureforbeingtired,不就是西蒙和加芬克尔的歌♥吗it'sSimon&Garfunkel.我们从没近距离看过他们We'dneverseenthemupclose.所以我们进去后马蒂才意识到Sowhenwegotthere,Mattyrealized加芬克尔是个男人thatGarfunkelwasaman.所以我们只得离开了等等为什么Sowehadtoleave.Wait,why?两个男人不应该唱二重唱Twomenshouldn'tbesingingharmony.爸你不是喜欢霍尔和奥茨的组合吗Dad,IthoughtyoulikedHall&Oates?那不一样-为什么That'sdifferent.Why?因为他们是齐唱Becausetheysinginunison.要不然就是轮流唱一个先一个后Ortheytaketurns,oneandthentheotherone.这样就可以That'sOK.那克罗斯比斯蒂尔斯和纳什的乐队呢WhataboutCrosby,Stills&Nash?他们现在还没