Ted《泰迪熊（2024）》第一季第三集完整中英文对照剧本.docx

J我的文字有些懒散JJ-*Mywordsarelazy?J我的思维有些模糊JJMythoughtsarehazy?J但有件事我很确定JJButthisisonethingmsureofJJ所有人都要有个最好的朋友JJ,EverybodyneedsabestfriendJJ我很开心我是你的J/mhappymyours?嘿布莱尔再次感谢你能来接我们Hey,thanksagainforpickingusup,Blaire.客气啥你们最后看的是啥Yeah,noproblem.What'dyouguysendupseeing?侏罗纪公园JurassicPark."这简直就是我看过的It,s,like,thegreatestmovie最酷的一部电影veeverfuckingseen,like,ever.是斯皮尔伯格用真正的恐龙拍的Yeah,Spielbergactuallygotrealdinosaurs.行吧我觉得并没有Uh,yeah,Idon'tthinkso.真的有一对真的绝对的No,hedid.No,hedid.Hetotallydid.没有其它解释There'snootherexplanation.我敢保证他拍的不是真正的恐龙Ipromiseyouguyshedidnotgetrealdinosaurs.你这么说就有点无知了布莱尔Well,that's-that'saignorantthingtosay,Blaire,你连电影还没看过呢whenyoudidn'tseethemovie.对他拍了ET还拍了大白鲨Yeah,no,hemade"ET"andhemade"Jaws,这部片子简直就是给他的回报andthiswashisreward.他真的跟真恐龙一起拍摄了Hegotrealdinosaurstoplaywith.聚沙成塔嘛Italladdsup.我对这部电影唯一的差评就是Myonlycriticismofthemovie谁会在车里放敞口的水杯呢whohasopencupsofwaterinthecar?对就特别奇怪Ohyeah,thatwasweird.就好像说杯子要有盖防止水洒吗Yeah,it,slike,youwantalidforthatwater?不用啊没问题的我不就是在丛林里开个车嘛Nah,that'sOK.mjustridinginthejungle.嘿我们能在租录像带那停一下吗Oh,heycanwestopbythevideostore?我要租个片子Iwanttorentamovie.你刚看完一部片子啊Youjustsawamovie.是我知道现在我们对恐龙上瘾了Yeah,Iknow.Andnow,wegotdinosaurfever.我们想多看点带恐龙的电影Wewanttoseemoremovieswithdinosaurs.行吧但你得快点我今晚还有事呢Fine,butyougottobequick.Igotplanstonight.是吗你有啥事啊Oh,yeah?What-whatdoyougotgoingon?就有事呗Juststuff.大学那些事吗Likecollegestuff?对啊Yes.罗马长袍主题派对吗-不是Togaparty?No.联谊会纳新活动周吗Fuckingrushweek?不是No.跟新来的联谊生厮混吗Fuckingaroundwiththenewpledges,然后戴安搞的有点过火butthenDianegoesalittletoofar发生了特别可怕的事andsomethinghorriblehappens但你们想办法一起掩盖了真♥相♥butthenyouallkindofworktogethertocoveritup然后第二天andthenthenextday,你们就像什么都没发生一样去上学youjustgotoclasslikenothinghappened现在你们要被一个可怕的秘密butnowyou'reallbondedforlife束缚一辈子by,like,ahorriblesecret,本来一切都慢慢好起来了anditseemslikeit'sallgoingtobeOK可是瑞秋却有点摇摆不定butthenRachelseemsalittleshaky于是你就想她会不会惹出什么麻烦来andyouwonderifshe'sgoingtobeaproblem?你特么这是说什么呢Whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout?就随便聊聊嘛mjustmakingconversation.好了给你5分钟快点选好就出来OK,yougotfiveminutes.Hurryupandpicksomething.嘿泰迪-嗯Hey,Teddy.-Yeah?你看过小黄♥片♥儿吗Youeverseenaporno?看过啊我在好莱坞时看过可多Yeah,IsawalotofthemwhenIwasoutinHollywood.它们真的像人们说的那么刺♥激♥吗Theyasawesomeaspeoplesay?对约翰尼Theyare,Johnny.什么样的Whataretheylike?就是你打开电视你摆好姿势Well,youturniton,yousettlein,把纸巾和乳液都准备好yougetyourKleenexandyourlotion,然后你你就嗨起来了andyou-youfuckinggototown.哇Wow.听起来可真刺♥激♥啊Soundsamazing.对尤其是等你完事了Yeah,especiallyafterwardwhenit'sover你会想自己做过的事andyouthinkaboutwhatyoudid.是吗Really?嗯然后你把自己擦干净Yeah,andyoucleanyourselfup但是片儿还继续放着就像背景音一样buttheporn'sstillgoingoninthebackground,只不过现在声音好像大了一倍butitseemstwiceasloudnow.即便你没有离开家Andeventhoughyoudidn'tleavethehouse,你也知道自己会让一个女人做噩梦的youknowyou'vecontributedtoawoman'snightmare.然后你用过的那只袜子Oh,andyoucan't就想着塞到脏衣筐的最里面去shovethatsockinthehamperdeepenough.每次我来到这看到这两扇门Man,everytimeIcomeinhereandIseethosedoors,都觉得好神秘啊it,slikeit,ssomysterious.私人专属的成人房♥间Theprivate,exclusiveadults-onlyroom.约翰老爷泰迪老爷MasterJohn,MasterTed.很高兴你们能加入我们msodelightedthatyou'vejoinedus.今晚我们要不要租点小黄♥片GheartsJWiiIArewethinkingofrentingsomepornographythisevening?的确有此打算劳埃德Indeed,weare,Lloyd.真是极好极好的Splendid,splendid.我们有相当多的精品供你们选择Wehavequiteafineselectionforyourperusal.你有什么好推荐吗Mm,well,whatwouldyourecommend?要看你的口味了先生Yourpreference,sir.你是喜欢掌控一切的Wouldyouliketofeelincharge,还是喜欢像个小宝贝orlikeanitty，bittybaby?我相信我应该喜欢感觉像个小宝贝1dobelieve1wouldliketofeellikeababy.先生没有人选过另外一种Noonehaseverchosentheotherone,sir.我觉得也是如此Yes,Iwouldimaginenot.非常好Verygood,sir.我去给你们拿乳液和手帕马上回来llberightbackwithyourcreamandkerchief.你老婆还好吗劳埃德How'sthewife,Lloyd?先生克拉拉上个月就过世了Well,sir,mafraidthatClarapassedawaylastmonth.哦劳埃德真为你遗憾Oh,Lloyd,we'resoverysorry.谢谢先生她勇敢的与病魔做了斗争Thankyou,sirShefoughtbravely,但医生到最后也没什么能做的了buttherewasnothingthedoctorscoulddo.你儿子情况如何Andhowisyoursontakingtheloss?自从她离世后我们就没说过话先生Wehaven'tspokensinceshepassedaway,sir.恐怕杰里米为他母亲的死一直在责怪我吧mafraidthatJeremyblamesmeforhismother'sdeath.太可怕了Howterrible.谢天谢地我还有份工作Thankheaven1havemywork.否则我都不知道要如何生活下去Elsewise,mnotsureIcouldgoonlivingmyself.好了享受你们的小黄♥片♥儿吧Well,enjoyyourpornography,sir.天Jesus.你的幻想中还包括那家伙失去了自己的老婆和家人吗Yourfantasyincludestheguylosinghiswifeandfamily?儿子没死啊WellImean,thesondidn'tdie,只是疏远了嘛they'rejustestranged.我只是觉得Ijustfeellike你给他设计了那么多情节我们就跑题rbyputtingallthatonhim,itdistractsfromourstory.泰迪你想进去吗Teddy,youwanttogointhere?后面的房♥间吗Inthebackroom?对啊Yeah.对你不觉得我该来个Yeah,don'tyouthinkit,sabouttime租黄♥片♥的第一次吗Irentedmyfirstporno?我希望你已经完成了Well,Ihopeyou'vegotteneverythingdone所有你需要完成的事情thatyouneedtogetdoneever.为什么Why?到时你就知道了走吧Oh,you'llsee.Comeon,let'sdoit.嘿18岁以下不能去成人区Hey!Nooneunder18intheadultsection!没事约翰尼我去给你租It,sallright,Johnny.llgoandgetit.你没听见吗Youhearme?我说了18岁以下不许进Isaidnooneunder18!没事伙计是我啊It,sallright,buddy.It'sjustme.你是1985年成精的吧到现在你多大8岁吗Youcametolifein1985.Thatmakesyouwhat,eight?伙计不是这么算的好嘛Dude,itsalittledifferent.不行规矩就是规矩NoRulesarerules!哇这里选择这么多啊Wow,whatanamazingselection!都好色情啊Theseareallsoerotic!好了如果你们Allright,ifyouguysaredone丢人丢够了humiliatingyourselvesinpublic,我们能走了吗canwegetoutofhere?布莱尔Uh,Blaire.我不会给你们租黄♥片♥儿的mnotrentingyouporn.别这样嘛租一个嘛Oh,comeon,yougotta.不可能No,Idon't布莱尔我都16TBlaire,malready16.如果我是摩♥门♥教♥徒我都当爷爷了OK,ifIwasMormon,dbeagrandfatherbynow.布莱尔够姐妹儿行不就一次Blaire,beapal,huh?Justthisonce.我基本上已经是个成年人了mbasicallyanadultalready,OK?我只是想看一次成♥人♥电♥影♥Ijustwanttowatchanadultmovie.行吧Allright,fine.啥-啥What?-What?我没时间在这跟你们讨论Idon'thavetimetostandherealldayandargue.好吧你们去车里等着吧OK,justgowaitinthecar.我助个去太特么酷了-我的天布莱尔Holyshit.Fuckingawesome!0h,myGod,Blaire!你简直太棒了布莱尔非常感谢啊You'refuckingamazing,Blaire!-Wow,Thankyousomuch!布莱尔这也太棒了Blaire,thisisfuckingawesome!太感谢了-你简直是最棒的Thankyousomuch!-Oh,you'rethefuckingbest!还有你就选你觉得最恶心的Oh,andwhateverseemsgrossesttoyou,估计就是我们最喜欢的了that'sprobablywhatwe,regoingtolike.我数到三mgoingtocounttothree.好吧OK.好了你们享受电影吧Allright,youguys.Enjoythemovie.我们会的Oh,wewill.打开看时有点心理准备哈Oh,anddon'tbethrownwhenyouturniton.是黑白片It'sblackandwhite.那更好-终于Evenbetter.-Yeah,finally.我们可以讲述上一辈的故事-对超爱的We'retellingtheirstories.Yeah,lovethat.代表性很重要Representationmatters.很高兴听你们这么说Gladtohearit.好吧开始了OK.Herewego.妈回来之前我们有至少一小时WegotatleastanhourbeforeMomgetsback.好了黄♥片♥时间到Allright,pornotime!哇射400次啊Whoa."The400Blows.,不管这家伙是谁到最后还不精尽人亡了Whoeverthisguyis,he'sgoingtobeanubbytheendofit.法式小黄♥片♥行吧Ah,Frenchfucking.Allright.虽然毛有点多但也挺好1.ittlehairy,butImonboard.听起来就应该是这个动静That'swhatthefucking'sgoingtosoundlike.天这特么都放多久了啊)esus,howthefucklonghasthisbeengoingon?你们喜欢这部电影吗Youguysenjoyingthemovie?不难看死了No!Itsucksl这特么是黄♥片♥吗Howthefuckisthisaporno?我给你们租了部成人片Well,Irentedyouguysanadultmovie,就是成♥人♥电♥影♥asinamovieforadults.你故意的Oh,yousuck.不不等会他们提到了蛋蛋No,no,butwait,theyweretalkingaboutballsacks.巴尔扎克Balzac.对对所以它们是在哪Yeah,exactly.Sowherewerethey?你是说你不喜欢这电影吗Aresayingyoudon'tlikethefilm?不是不是可整部电影里都没人干啊No!No,there'snosexatallinthismovie.太无聊了Justennui.我可是帮你借的Ididyouafavor.我们想看的是生殖器啊No,Wewanttolookatgenitals.相信我那都是夸大其词Trustme,it'soverrated.什么意思你看过Wait,whatdoyoumean?Youwatchporn?没Uh,no.但上学期我们学校Butaguyfrommyschooldid有个男人拍了张老二的照片发给我mailmeaphotoofhisdicklastsemester.还用的那种棕褐色调拍的Heevenshotitinsepiatone.所以看上去有怀旧感的那种Wait,soitwas,like,allold-timey?昨的就好像这老二是沙尘暴孤儿的吗1.ike,"ThispenisisaDustBowlorphan"?你知道最搞笑的是什么吗Youwantthekicker?它看上去软不拉几的Itwasflaccid.等等所以他都没硬起来吗Wait,sohedidn'tevendothework?没有就用了个花哨的滤镜拍了个软老二Nope.Justaflacciddickwithafancyfilter.我想即便是最伟大的导演Well,Iguessevenagreatdirector也没法挽救这种脚本吧can'tsaveabadscript.总之好好看电影吧Anyway,enjoythemovie,guys.很经典的It'saclassic.去它的吧Fuckthis.所有人马蒂和我有消息要宣布Everyone,MattyandIhavesomenews.天终于Oh,man.Itfinallyhappened.听着我知道做出这种决定很不容易1.ook,Imsurethiswasatoughdecisiontomake,但事已至此再拖拉也是没有意义的butthere'snosenseinpostponingtheinevitable.我就跟你们说吧Youknowwhat?不是所有的婚姻都要一辈子的Noteverymarriageismeanttolastforever.而且从某个角度来说Andatacertainpoint,你们这样就是在浪费青春嘛you'rejustthrowinggoodyearsoutthebag.我们要出去吃晚饭We'regoingouttodinner.嘿那Hey!Thats那是我最喜欢的一餐了oneofmyfavoritemeals.我们明天要一起出去We'regoingtogoout,度过一个浪漫美好的夜晚we'regoingtohaveanice,romanticeveningtomorrow.就我们俩Justthetwoofusjustbecause.我们会过的很开心的Andweregoingtohavealovelytime.没错That'sright.我老婆人这么好值得这样一个美好的夜晚Mywifedeservesanightoutjustforbeingher.我们要我们要吃一顿大餐We'regoingtohavea-we,regoingtohaveagreatmeal,一定会很棒的andit'sgoingtobeterrific!天啊Jesus.别紧张-什么Takeiteasy.What?我可高兴死了今晚肯定很棒mfuckinghappy.It'sgoingtobeagreatnight我在想若干年后我们会不会发现这只是Youknow,Iwonderifyearsfromnow,we'llfindout一次长♥期&hearts喂性的心脏病发作thiswasalljustonebig,longheartattack.泰迪我能单独跟你谈谈吗Teddy,canIspeaktoyouinprivate?好太完美了OK,thisisperfect.爸爸妈妈要出门MomandDadaregoingtobeoutofthehouse布莱尔要上学andBlaire,sgotschool.再也没有比这更好的时机了Therewillneverbeabettertime.什么好时机Forwhat?去租个真正的黄♥片♥Torentarealporno.那我们该怎么租呢Well,howarewesupposedtodoit?商店里那个笨瓜说我们得满18岁Thatbuttnutinthestoresayswegottobe18.还有另外一个人6点There'sadifferentguythatcomesinat6:00来接夜班好吧forthenightshift,allright?我们弄个假身份证WegetfakeIDs六点后进去就能租到黄♥片♥了wegoinafter6:00,wecanrentthatporno.我说不好约翰尼这比较冒险1don'tknow,Johnny.It'sarisk.如果我们被抓了泰迪Imean,ifwegetcaught-Teddy.能在电视屏幕上看别人做♥爱♥WatchingotherpeoplehavesexonaTVscreen,这是一个人能做的最酷的事情that,sjustaboutthecoolestthingapersoncando.冒险也值It,sworththerisk.明天这个时候我们的梦想就会实现rBythistimetomorrow,thatdreamcouldbeours.好了我们睡一会儿吧AllrightLet'sgetsomesleep.我们天一亮就开始打飞机好Wejerkatfirstlight.Right好两个假身份证OK.TwofakeIDs.总共50美元ThatIlbe50bucks.我们家里也有一台录像机WegotthatsameVCRathome.我才不管呢Idon'tgiveashit.给Rightthere.我八个星期的零用钱Mywholeallowanceforeightweeks.好了开始吧享受你们成年后的新生活吧Allright,herewego.Enjoyyournewlivesasadults.天啊这家伙有多大了JesusChrishowoldisthisguy?看起来他有40岁了1.ookslikehe,s40你会没事的好吗Hey,you'llbefine,allright?虽然泰迪那个花了点功夫AlthoughTed'stookalittlebitofwork.我不能用这个-为什么不行I-1can'tusethis.Whynot?这看起来像鲍伯鲁斯ItlookslikeBobRoss.这就是这就是鲍伯鲁斯tis.litisBobthisisBobRoss.这就是这就是鲍伯鲁斯Itis.ItisBobthisisBobRoss.差不多就是你哥们儿Well,you'reatoughfit,pal.要么用他要公用一双UGG靴子ItwaseitherhimorapairofUGGboots.你现在尽管笑吧但很快Oh,yeah,laughitupnow,butprettysoon,我就会在我朋友身边高♥潮♥了llbehavinganorgasmnexttomyfriend.等等等等还不行还不行Wait,wait,notyet!Notyet!那个混♥蛋♥还在那Thatotherbastard'sstillthere.假装我们只是来租电影的Actlikewe'rejustheretorentamovie.嗯很好Ah,yes.这看起来是部不错的非色情片Thislookslikeagood,non-sexualfilm.对我听过很多关于这部电影的Oh,yes,Ihaveheardmanygreat,很棒的与性无关的好评non-sexualthingsaboutthismovie.彼得特拉弗斯称之为一场无性场景的大笑暴♥乱♥PeterTraverscallsit',asex-freelaughriot.',时代杂♥志♥就和老妈拉肚子一样性感"Time"magazinesays,"aboutaseroticasmom'sdiarrhea."啥玩意儿Thefuck?啥-那是啥玩意儿What?-Thefuckwasthat?你是什么意思我只是在扩展你说的话Whatdoyoumean?mjustexpandingonyourthing.我不是说的那种That'snotwhatIwasdoing.即兴表演的关键就是“是的然后”好吗Improv'sallabout"Yes,and.,'OK?你不能在戏演到一半的时候Youcan'tjustshutmedownlikethat就这样让我闭嘴inthemiddleofascene.别先说"老妈拉肚子”这种话Don'tdo"mom,sdiarrhea"然后告诉我该怎么即兴表演andthentellmehowmfuckingsupposedtodoimprov.真的服了JesusChrist.嗨-嗨HeyHey.好吧Allright.我要走了一回见moutofhere.Later.祝你过得愉快Haveagoodone.好了走吧Allright,letsmove.抱歉未成年不许进Excuseme.Uh-uh.Adultsonly.啊对当然Ah,yes.Ofcourse.我们多健忘啊-噢别担心Howforgetfulofus.-Oh,don'tworry.这这种事经常发生This,uh,thishappensallthetime.我理解你为什么会犯这种错Iunderstandyourmistake.天啊Oh,myGod怎么啦What?你是鲍伯鲁斯You'reBobRossl对Uh,yes.我就是Yes,Iam.鲁斯先生我是你的超级粉丝Mr.Ross,Iamahugefanofyours.好吧谢谢Oh,uh,well,thanks.我超爱你的整个艺术哲学贬盯醒Iloveyourwholeartisticphilosophy.你给每棵树和每一片云都分配了动作Thewayyouassignamotiontoeverytreeandcloud.嗯是挺好Yeah,well,great.听着我们要去成人区给自己Um,listen,we'regoingtoheadtotheadultsection找个快乐的小灌木丛andfindourselvesahappy,littlebush.一会儿见Seeyouinabit.看起来你们打算看很久啊1.ookslikeyou'rehavingquiteamarathon.嗯是的是为了筹款Uh,yes.It,sforafundraiser.为什公Oh,forwhat?打飞机Jerking为治疗肌肉萎缩症筹款forMuscularDystrophy.啊嗯机肌筹款很合理Oh,yeah.JMD,ofcourse.嘿你这儿租几盘磁带有限制吗Hey,istherealimitonhowmanytapesyoucanrent?你不用遵守这个规定鲁斯先生Notforyou,Mr.Ross.好了这些录像带周四要还回来Allright,thesetapesareduebackThursday.丢失或损坏的磁带要付80美元There'san$80feeforanymissingordamagedtapes.好贵Thatsalotofmoney.好多片That'salotofporn你知道吗别人也要看这个的Youknow,otherpeoplewanttomasturbate,too!今晚不行伙计onallNottonighpal.看看这个地方1.ookatthisplace.这可真是个神奇的夜晚Isn'tthisamagicalnight?我的袜子破了一个大洞Mysock'sgotabigholeinit.如果我把袜子扯下来你能把它塞进包里吗IfItearitoff,willyoushoveitinyourpurse?看马蒂Oh,look,Matty!他们有专人给人拧胡椒哎Theyhaveawholemanjustforthepepper!我们去点个需要胡椒的菜吧Oh,let,sgetsomethingthatneedspepper.我像他这么大的时候WhenIwashisage,正在一个小屋一个小屋地解放越南芽庄IwasliberatingNhaTranghut-by-hut.但是是的当然给人拧胡椒也不错Butyeah,sure.Pepperboy'sgood,too.天哪一切都好高端了Gosh,everything'sjustsofancy-schmancy.我感觉像颁奥斯卡金像奖现场1feellikeAcademyAwards.大家好今晚过得怎么样Hithere.Howarewedoingtonight,folks?我的袜子让我难受Mysock'sbuggingme.真是很抱歉Oh,msorrytohearthat.您要点菜吗CanItakeyourorder?马蒂他太贴心了Matty,he'ssosweet.你叫什么名字What'syourname?凯文女士Kevin,ma'am.凯文你回家打电♥话♥给你妈妈Kevin,yougohome,youcallyourmother,告诉她弗雷明汉的苏珊本内特说andyoutellherSusanBennettfromFramingham你干得很棒saidyoudidanexcellentjob.我母亲患有老年痴呆症晚期MymotherhasadvancedAlzheimer,s.她根本不知道我是谁ShehasnoideawhoIam.我要螃蟹llhavethecrab.我问你个问题小凯1.etmeaskyouaquestionthere,Kev-o.为什么纽约客牛排要24美元WhyistheNewYorkstrip24bucks在里科超♥市♥却才8美元butatRico'sMarket,it,slike8?超♥rfi♥的价格和餐厅的Well,supermarketpricesandrestaurantprices价格不一样-对对对aredifferent-Yeah,yeah,yeah.加价挺高的煎一下就加价16块It,saprettysweetmarkup,16bucksforheat.你觉得公平吗凯文Thatseemfairtoyou,Kev-o?您可以花9美元Youcouldorderthejuniorsteak点儿童菜单上的小牛排offthekidsmenufor$9.这倒是有点合理了好Nowwe'regettingsomewhere.OK.看到了吗苏珊他先眨了眨眼Seethat,Susan?Heblinkedfirst.随附儿童活动书Comeswithyourchoice或弯弯吸管您要什么ofanactivitybookletorasillystraw.都要小凯Both,Kev-o.堆得高高的Pileithighandgood!好的先生Yes,sir.给-谢谢Hereyougo.-Thankyou.稍等帮我个忙Hangon.Domeafavor.帮我把这个扔了好吗Throwthisoutforme,wouldyou?在游轮上当服务员不是更有趣吗Wouldn'titbefuntobeawaiteronacruiseship?因为下班即到家Becausewhenyou'redone,you'realreadyhome.我要讲给他听mgoingtotellhimthat.好了开始吧Allright,herewego.J黄♥片♥时间黄♥片♥时间JJPornotime,pornotime?J黄♥片♥黄♥片♥黄♥片♥时间JJPOmo,porno,pornotime!?黄♥片♥时间Pornotimel好放一部进去好Allright,let'sputoneinAllright等等等等等一下Waiwait.Hangonasecond.在我们开始之前我们得树立一些基本规则Beforewesta