Ted《泰迪熊（2024）》第一季第四集完整中英文对照剧本.docx

J我笨口拙舌JJ-*Mywordsarelazy?J我呆头呆脑JJMythoughtsarehazy?J但有一件事我很确定JJButthisisonethingmsureof?J每个人都需要一个好朋友JJEverybodyneedsabestfriendJJ我很开心我是你的JJmhappymyours?哦宝贝来吧Oh,baby.Herewego.节日活动快开始吧1.etthefestivitiesbegin.一共有多少-让我看看Howmanyhavewegot?-Well,let'ssee.一共二十盒一盒12个鸡蛋Wegot20cartons,12eggsineach.那就是20打鸡蛋呢That'sgottobelike,20dozeneggs,right?真是好极了Fuckingfantastic.你觉得我们现在干这个是不是太幼稚了Doyouthinkwe,regettingtoooldforthis?拜托约翰尼咱们这是为公众服务0h,comeon,Johnny,we'redoingapublicservicehere.要是一个孩子穿着丑啦吧唧的万圣节装扮IfakidleavesthehouseinalessthanstellarHalloween我们就得尽早让他知道costume,he'sgottogetthebadnews以免他在整个镇上出尽洋相beforehemakesafoolofhimselfallovertown.我们是大善人We'reSamaritans.还记得去年吗Yourememberlastyear?看看这个0h,checkitout.There'sone.穿的真不错啊蠢蛋Hey,nicecostume,fuckface!搞什么啊Ah!Whatthehell?你这穿的是什么Hey,whatthefickareyousupposedtobe?我是绿巨人浩克-你才不是呢mtheHulk.-Yeah,no,you'renot.我就是Yes,Iam!浩克才不会在身上TheHulkdoesn,thaveafuckingpicture印一个自己的头像oftheHulkonhischest.对啊浩克的衣服上才不会写我是浩克Yeah,theHulk'sshirtdoesn,tsay"TheHulk"onit.要是你想告诉我们你是浩克Yeah,ifyougottotellusyou'retheHulk,那你已经失败了it'salreadyafailednarrative.去死吧Fuckyou.你们俩混♥蛋♥Ah!Youassholes!浩克生气了Hulkangry.是呢是呢-随你吧老弟Yeah,yeah.Yeah,whatever,dude.浩克要出击Hulksmash!回药店去出击吧Yeah,gobacktoWalgreensandsmashthere.你有没有注意到浩克只用第三人称Hey,youevernoticehowtheHulkonlytalksabouthimself称呼自己inthethirdperson?我知道他就像鲍勃多尔Iknow.He'slikeBobDole.草Shit!我们还有多长时间Allright,howmuchtimeWegot?几小时吧Uh,acouplehours.你想做什么Whatdoyouwanttodo?看恐怖电影恐怖电影Scarymovie?-Scarymovie.等等怎么回事Wait,whatthehell?德州电锯杀人狂呢Where,s,TexasChainsawMassacre"?嘿布莱尔Hey,hey,Blaire.咋了Yeah.我以为你会去租些恐怖电影呢Ithoughtyouweregoingtorentscarymovies.我租了啊Idid.迪士尼的时光倒流三十年闹什么呢WaltDisney1S11WatcherintheWoods,"whatthefuck?电锯狂魔什么的又粗鄙又没深度Chainsawsarelazyandobvious.这电影很有头脑Thisiscerebral.而且非常恐怖Andit'sareallyscarymovie.这可是迪士尼的电影WaltDisney?80年代早期的迪斯尼暗黑时期Early"80sDisney,thedarkperiod.狗屁暗黑时期再怎么也是迪士尼啊Oh,whatdarkperiod?It'sfuckingDisney.你们会被吓到的You'llbescared.拜托我看过阿♥拉♥没什么好吓人的Oh,comeon,Isaw"Aladdin,"andIwasfine我也没坐在那儿大喊贾法尔好可怕啊Iwasn,tsittingtherelike,oh,no,fuckingJafar我们已经不是小孩子了布莱尔Youknow,we,renotkidsanymore,Blaire.就是Yeah.我连续四次剪头发都没哭Ihaven'tcriedlastfourhaircuts.就是我都开始用除臭剂了Yeah.musingdeodorantnow.就是除臭剂Yeah,deodorant.那行啊我看你们敢不敢看Fine,Idareyoutowatchit看看会不会把你们吓到屁滚尿流Seeifitdoesn,tmessyouup行啊-没问题Fine,sure-Noproblem.s/Jx-xpxpxOh,no.-No,no,no.不不不要我不喜欢这样No,no,no.-No,no,Idon'tlikethis.这感觉很不好不Thisisnotgood.No.别啊Nope.不要不要不要both:Nope,nope,nope,nope,nope,nope,nope,nope.我不喜欢这样Don'tlikethis.别这样-住手啊Comeon.-Oh,stop.别啊-住手啊Comeon.Stopit.别这样-快住手啊Comeon.Oh,stopit!别这样-快住手Comeon.Stopit!我去-别啊Goddammit!Comeon!搞什么-拜托啊Whatthefuck?-Comeon!草你这个混♥蛋♥布莱尔Fuck,you'reapieceofshit,Blaire.我的天哪Oh,myGod.草草草草草Fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck,fuck.快拿开快关掉Getitoff.-Turnitoff.赶快给我关掉-我的天哪Turnitthefuckoff.-Oh,myGod.我再也不敢盯着镜子看了mneverlookinginamirroragain.我也是我的老天爷啊MeneitherfuckingGod!我连胡子也不敢刮了mnevergoingtobeabletoshave.我谢谢你全家布莱尔Yeah.Thanks,Blaire.他现在只能留胡子了Nowhe,sgoingtohavetogrowamustache.这会限制我的职业生涯的Oh,that'sgoingtolimitmycareerchoices对啊他就只能当个警♥察♥或者消防员了Yeah,he'sgoingtohavetobeacoporafireman.那可都是危险工作-就是啊Oh,thosearedangerousjobs.Yeah.万一他死了咋办Whatifhegetskilled?天哪布莱尔你也太操蛋了God,Blaire,you'resuchafucker.下次别因为一个除臭剂Well,nexttime,don,tbesosmugwithall那么自鸣得意啊yourcockydeodoranttalk.你好Hello?恐怖电影里面出现镜了就是极度恐怖预警Man,mirrorsinhorrormoviesarelikeahugeredflag.嘿莎伦怎么了Oh,hey,Sharon.What'sup?镜子还有小孩子Mirrorsandsmallchildren指着你看不到的东西pointingatthingsthatyoucan'tsee.草没错这太恐怖了Oh,shit.Yeah,that'sabadone天哪你没事吧God,areyousure?还有当一个黑小伙说Oh,andwhentheBlackguysays我去看看地下室什么声音oh,llgocheckoutwhatthenoiseisinthebasement总会出事情That'salwaystrouble多谢你告诉我Well,thankyoufortellingme.对啊为什么总是黑小伙死掉Yeah,whydoestheBlackguyalwaysdie?不没关系我自己想办法No,it'sfine.llfigureitout.这难道不是种族歧视嘛Yeah,isn'tthatkindofracist?感觉就是啊Seemslikeit.这种电影里就应该只有白人Theyshouldhaveonlywhitepeopleinthosemovies.对啊这样黑小伙就不会死了Oh,yeah,sothentheBlackguyswon,tgetkilled.好我待会联♥系♥你Yeah,lltalktoyoulater.布莱尔我们想到一个好主意Blaire,wejustcameupwithagreatway让电影不再那么种族主义tomakemovieslessracist.莎伦特别不想去Sharonisconscientiouslyobjecting今天的化妆派对所以我需要一个司机tothiscostumepartytonight,soIneedadesignateddriver.你能去吗-我Canyoudoit?-Me?不今晚不行No,nottonight.我和泰迪有好多事要干呢Yeah,meandTedgotmassiveplans.可我自己开不了车Well,Ican'tdrivemyself.我肯定会喝了一肚子果冻酒I'llbefullofjell-0shots.喝点酒而已那有什么的Soyouhaveafewdrinks,bigdeal.你知道不人们从不告诉你醉驾是什么感觉Youknowwhatnobodyevertalksaboutwithdrunkdriving?超级有趣的Howfunitis.约翰还没考驾照呢Johndoesn'thavehislicenseyet.而你-这就好像打电玩一样Andyou-It,slikeavideogame.你欠我的-欠你什么了Youoweme.-Forwhat?苏珊阿姨发现你们租的黄♥片♥ItooktheheatwentAuntSuzefound我帮你们顶了黑锅啊thepornoyouguysrented.这关我啥事她又不是我老妈WhatdoIcare?She'snotmymom.我妈妈是中国一个11岁的患关节炎的小孩Mymom'san11-year-oldkidinChinawitharthritis.你怎么知道的Howdoyouknowthat?因为她在我腿里缝了一张纸条Becauseshesewedanoteinmylegthatsays写着她从来没吃过蔬菜she'sneverhadavegetable拜托泰迪你一定得载我Comeon,Ted.Please,yougottodriveme.今晚不行布莱尔It,snotagoodnight,Blaire.我们有安排了Wegotplans.-Yeah.我要去洗个澡把自己弄得毛茸茸的Now,mgoingtogoshowerandfluffmyself,这样我就能自信满满的soIcanbeinaconfidentheadspace嘲笑那些不给糖就捣蛋的小屁孩toshametrick-or-treaters.我越可爱杀伤力就越大ThecuterIlook,theworsetheyfeel.护发素去哪儿了Ah,where,sthegoddamnconditioner?帮帮我Helpme.当我的司机吧Bemydesignateddriver.我的老天爷啊布莱尔你搞什么JesusChrist,Blairefwhatthefuck!怎么了Well?你什么毛病啊Whatthefuckiswrongwithyou?我光着呢你整天都是光着的mnaked.-You'realwaysnaked.可我现在是在洗澡Yeah,butmbathroomnaked.在洗我光溜溜的熊熊身体mwashingmybearparts.快走开Getlost.帮帮我-老天爷啊Helpme.-Ah,JesusChrist!载我去派对吧Drivemetotheparty.我说了不行别再吓唬我了Isaidno.Stopfuckingscaringme.天哪God!很简单你答应我就好了啊Youcanendthisveryeasily,youknow.我不会被你勒索的Iwillnotbeblackmailed.没有什么比基尔肯尼山更加There'snothinglikethescentofthehillsofKilkenny清新舒爽的味道了tomakeyoufeelfresh.我们将之放进每一块Andweputabitofthatintoeverybar爱尔兰之春香皂中oflrishSpring.这广♥告♥太夸大其词Thiswholeadcampaignisabluff.你什么意思Whatdoyoumean?就好像在说你知道什么味道好闻吗It'slike,youknowwhosmellsgood?爱尔兰TheIrish.那个叫谢默斯波义耳的演员也很好闻呢Yeah,aguynamedSeamusBoylesmellsgreat.这儿是不是很暖和啊Isitwarminhere?的确很暖和Yeah,itiskindofwarm.感觉像是有人调高了暧气Yeah,itfeelslikesomebodyturneduptheheat.我去看看恒温器mgoingtocheckthethermostat.不等等-怎么了No,wait.-What?是她It'sher.是布莱尔It'sfuckingBlaire.你打开门她就会带着条白布蒙住眼睛Youopenthatdoor,she,sgoingtoberightthere出现在你面前withthatfuckingblindfold.我来把窗户打开Here,llopenawindow.帮帮我Helpme.我帮你就是了我的天哪Allright,goddammit!禁忌甜甜圈Forbiddendonut.i矣呦谟呦刚吃掉什么吗Well,well,finishingsomething?记住你一把这个吃完Now,remembertheinstantyoufinishit我的天哪Oh,myGodl你俩看上去好可爱啊Youtwolooksoadorable1射谢Thankyou.来让我猜猜你们装扮的是谁Allright,letmeguesswhoyouare.布莱尔你是蝙蝠侠Blaire,you'reBatman.差不多是猫女Close,Catwoman.好的OK.泰迪你是阿♥拉♥伯的劳伦斯And,Ted,you'reLawrenceofArabia.嗯你说的没错Yeah,that'sexactlyright.好了别担心约翰尼Allright,nowdon'tworry,Johnny.我九点钟就回来对吧布莱尔1Ibebackby9:OORightBlaire?我们说好了的-行吧随便你Thatwasthedeal.-Yeah,sure,whatever.我们会错过第一轮的We'regoingtomissthefirstround.但那时候都是些小孩子Yeah,butthat'sjustthelittlekids.我们还有大把时间羞辱青春期小孩We'llhaveplentyoftimetoshamethepubertycrowd.行吧Yeah,Iguess.好了我们得走了OK,well,wegottogo.好的你们俩Allrightyoutwo.好好玩啊Youhaveafuntimenow.约翰尼别愁眉苦脸的Oh,Johnny,don'tlooksosad.我给你准备了一个有趣的小惊喜Ihaveafunsurpriseforyou.是什么Whatisit?我在房♥间里藏了一个巧克力棒I'vehiddenaHeathbarsomewhereinthishouse.能给我个提示吗CanIgetahint?哎我怎么能这么为难你呢Oh,Ican'tdothistoyou.就在篮子里It,sinthehamper.我去拿llgogetit.布莱尔Blairel我的天哪你可真漂亮Oh,myGod.-Youlooksogood.你看上去美极了YouIooksogood.你们看上去好棒啊Oh,youguyslookamazing.你才是好看极了美死了Youlookamazing.-Stunning.他是泰迪ThisisTed.泰迪你认识莎拉Ted,youknowSarah.她是佩吉AndthisisPaige.-Hey.嘿泰迪怎么样啊Hey,Ted.How'sitgoing?嘿你好Hey,howareyou?你装扮的是谁What'syourcostume?是个穴居人吗Areyouacaveman?你没看过星球大战3:绝地归来吗Youeversee"ReturnoftheJedi"?这是个小型独♥立♥电影Itwaskindofasmallindependentfilm,主要是由以色列投资的mostlyIsraelifinanced.我不跟男的约会没必要知道这种事Yeah,Idon'tdatemen,soIdon,tneedtolearnthis.来吧今天咱们不醉不归Well,comeon,weneedtogetyouguyswasted.好啊我没问题但泰迪还要开车带我回家Yes,yesforme,butTedhereismydesignateddriver.看来就我能清醒着Yeah,mtheguythatgetstolisten听摇滚乐rtotheSpinDoctorssober.真扫兴tThatsucks.Comeon.喝一杯吗Wantadrink?不行我要开车呢Ican't,mdriving.那可惜了Oh,toobad.我一直都挺想跟一只泰迪熊喝一杯的Ialwayswantedtodoashotwithateddybear.管他的现在还不开车呢Fuckit,mnotdrivingyet.我一直都想和泰迪熊一起抽两口Ialwayswantedtosmokeweedwithateddybear.给老子点上Signmeup.我一直想和泰迪熊一块吸我的注意缺陷多动障碍药IalwayswantedtosnortmyADHDmedswithateddybear.你要是想求助那就找错人了Ifthat1Sacryforhelp,yougotthewrongguy.好耶Yeah!好啦孩子们Allrighty,kids.你们保重万圣节快乐哟Youtakecarenow,andhappyHalloween.说谢谢孩子们Saythankyou,kids.谢谢Thankyou.不客气Oh,you'rewelcome.要小心剃须刀片好吗Andbecarefuloftherazorblades,allright?这东西到处都是They'reeverywhere.马蒂Matty.去拿抗生素Getthebacitracin.抗生为什么Thebacitra-why?我被一只鸵鸟咬了Anostrichbitme.一只什么-倒霉催的鸵鸟Awhat?-Agoddamnostrich!我在博克斯福德帮一个人装栅栏IwasinstallingafenceforaguyoverinBoxford.他养了鸵鸟不想让他们Andhekeepsostriches,doesn'twantthemgetting跑出去pastthepropertyline.其中有一只咬了我的屁♥股♥Andoneofthembitmeonthefuckingass!我还从来没亲眼见到过鸵鸟呢Wow,veneverseenanostrichinpersonbefore.你的工作真有意思Yourjobissointeresting.苏珊你赶紧先帮帮我吧Susan,willyouhelpmeouthere?我去拿抗生素1Igetthebacitracin.说不定你还能停下来Yeah,andmaybewecallamoratorium把无花果饼干包在小纸条里onyoustickingFigNewtonsinmypocketwrapped塞进我的口袋inalittlegoddamnnote!妈我们家还有薯Hey,Mom,dowehaveanymorechip-好好看看吧约翰尼TakealongIookJohnny.这就是人生Thisiswhatlifeis.干杯小混♥蛋♥们Cheers,fucksticks.-Whool你们想看点儿吓人的吗Hey,youguyswanttoseesomethingterrifying?看好了Watchthis.大家一起挥手啊Everybodywaveyourarms!大家一起跳Everybodyjumpintheair!让我们入侵波兰1.et'sinvadePoland!看到没这就是米尔格拉姆的服从实验Seethat?That'stheMilgramexperiment.舞蹈就是一切的开端That'showitstarts,withdancing.浑身是劲里的老爸说得对Thedadfrom"Footloose"wasright.哦该死Oh,shit!已经八点半了It,s8:30.布莱尔布莱尔八点半了Blaire,Blaire,it,s8:30.我们得走了Wegottogo.天我从没意识到你的毛发这么顺滑God,Inevernoticedhowbeautifulyourhairis.天然风干后就是这样的吗Doesitjustnaturallydrylikethat?快别说了Shutthefuckup.你的头发也很飘逸动人呢Yourhair,sthebeautifulhair.等等你Waitaminute,are-你喝醉了吗areyoudrunk?我有一点就一点mjustalittle-it,ssortof.没事的-你喝醉了It'sfine.-You'refuckingdrunk!你也醉了呀Well,soareyou.可我们本来就是这样说好的Yeah,well,thatwastheplan.抱歉Sorry.那我们还怎么回家啊Howthehellarewesupposedtogethome?你已经醉得不行了You'recompletelyfuckedup.路很好找啊It'sastraightshot.沿着尼波恩赛特环线走到南路93号♥再到西路90号♥YoutaketheNeponsetCircle,to93South,to90West,到北路495号♥然后走U型转弯to495North,andyoujustdothatU-turn到警♥察♥局门前的红绿灯处atthelightinfrontofthepolicestation,就到家了andyou,rehome.我才不要坐你的车Yeah,no,mnotgettinginacarwithyou.听着木已成舟1.ook,what,sdoneisdone.可我们都向约翰尼保证过ButwebothpromisedJohnnywe,dgetmeback让我按时回家一起砸鸡蛋的intimeforegging,allright?我可以开车的mfinetodrive.你不能醉酒开我的车You'renotdrivingmycardrunk,OK?那是我的车It's-it'smycar.要开也该我醉着开Ishouldbethedrunkdriver.好吧说得有理Allright,fairenough.我来帮忙我看到什么就喊你llhelpbyscreamingoutthingsIsee.嗨布莱尔Hey,Blaire.达蒙教授你好啊ProfessorDamon,hi.这位是谁你还好吧Who,sthisnow?-Howareyou?很好很好Good,good.感觉很用利Feelingsharp.给我闭嘴Shutthefuckup.喜欢你这身蝙蝠侠装扮IlovetheBatmancostume.多谢Oh,thanks.这位是哪儿来的阿♥拉♥伯的劳伦斯啊Andwho'sLawrenceofArabiahere?泰迪那位会说话的泰迪熊你好Ted,talkingteddybear,hi.哦泰迪当然了Oh,Ted.Yes,ofcourse.你的故事我可是记得很清楚Irememberyourstoryverywell.好吧很高兴认识你Yeah.Well,it'snicemeetingyou.走吧我们走布莱尔Comeon.Let'sgo,Blaire.你们赶时间吗Youinarush?来我家玩一会儿呗Whydon'tyoucomeuptothehouseforaminute?我想和你聊两句There'ssomethingdliketotalktoyouabout.我刚去了商店Ijustwenttothestore.我可以做点卡布里沙拉Icouldwhipusupalittlecapresesalad.好啊好啊当然可以Yeah,yeah,sure.我爱吃沙拉Ilovesalad.喂喂等等啊Whoa,whoa.Waitaminute,hangon.你也一起来泰迪Oh,you'reinvitedtoo,Ted.待会儿见吧Seeyouinafew?好极了Awesome,yeah.待会儿见好啕Seeyouinafew.-OK.你个笨蛋脑袋Youbuttnut!我向约翰尼保证过几点前回家的IpromisedJohnnydbehomeby9:00.你显然不知道那人是谁Youclearlydon'tknowwhothatis.一个50多岁骑电瓶车的家伙呗人生赢家啊Yeah,aguyinhis50sridingamoped,fuckingwinner.他是卢卡斯达蒙我的英国文学教授ThatisLucasDamon,myEnglishlitprofessor.就是那个被纽♥约♥时♥报♥评为TheLucasDamonwhoalsohappenstobe最畅销小说作家的卢卡斯达蒙a,'NewYorkTimes"best-sellingnovelist.小说讲的是个买♥♥不起车的家伙吗Yeah,wasthenovelaboutaguywhocouldn'taffordacar?讲的是Wastheguy-不他正在为下一本小说no,he,slookingforastudentresearch挑选一位学生研究助理assistantforhisnextbook.几乎所有人都想要这份工作1.iterallyeverybodywantsthisjob.我爱吃沙拉"Ilovesalad."我就知道你在撒谎没人喜欢吃沙拉See,Iknewyouwerelying.Nobodylovessalad.我喜欢啊我真的喜欢吃沙拉Ido.Ireallylovesalad.这个星球决不可能有一个人喜欢吃沙拉Notonepersononthisplanetlovessalad.我就是喜欢-假设你是个死囚犯1do.-You,reondeathrow.你的最后一餐饭可以选择牛排或者沙拉Yourlastmeal,youcanhaveasteakorasalad.我会选沙拉去你的mgoingtochooseasalad.-Fuckyou!就给你吃牛排You'regettingasteak.看看你对那家人做的事吧Afterwhatyoudidtothatfamily-那宝宝的耳朵在天花板上啊thebaby,searwasontheceiling!我做这份工作20年了vebeendoingthisjob20years.从没见过这么恐怖的场面Ineverseenanythingsohorrible.什么老天我果然是醉糊涂了What?-Oh,Christ,mfuckedup还好是你开车Yeah,it,sgoodyou,redriving.-Eh.我最新的作品是一部历史小说Mylatestworkisapieceofhistoricalfiction参考了19世纪新英格兰的种族和阶级状况thatexaminesraceandclassin19thcenturyNewEngland.听上去好棒Wow,thatsoundsincredible.对了沙拉真好吃Hey,greatsalad,bytheway.不加面包丁是我的最爱了Ilovethattherearenocroutons.通过一个玛莎葡萄园岛Itexploresthebalancebetweensociopoliticalchange的劳工组织者的经历andpersonalrelationshipsasseen探索了社会政♥治♥变革和人际关系throughtheeyesofalabororganizer之间的平衡inMartha'sVineyard.有一处情节转折点会让你大跌眼镜There'saplottwistthatwillshockyou.能给我一个不是30度温热的Hey,canImaybehaveadifferentcanofSchweppes怡泉汽水吗that,snot85degrees?知道吗约翰艾文总喜欢以小说最后一句话Youknow,JohnIrvingalwaysstartsanovel作为小说的开头withthelastsentence.而我喜欢用倒数第二句话作为开头Iliketostartwiththesecondtolast.你想听听吗Wouldyouliketohearit?当然了Absolutely.当克拉拉Thehorizonwept♥丝♥不♥挂♥的躯体加入到人群之中时asClara,sundrapedmortalframe地平线也在哭泣joinedthecoiledmultitudes,喜悦革命elation,revolution,那是血的苦涩滋味atasteofbitterblood.太精彩了It,sbrilliant.这唤醒了詹姆斯乔伊斯善的一面ItevokesthebestofJamesJoyce又没有过分包装和渲染withoutfeelingderivativeoroverlyaureate.你简直是我肚里的蛔虫Hey,how'dyougetinsidemyhead?我再拿些喝的来1Ifreshenourdrinks.泰迪克莱尔肯定警告过你了我是个有趣的教授Ted,msureBlairehaswarnedyou,mthefunprofessor.好吧OK.我滴个老天爷啊JesusfuckingChrist.你是在耍我吗怎么了Areyoushittingme?-What?什么叫怎么了Whatdoyoumean,what?我们在这儿浪费时间We'resittingherewastingtime就因为那个老色批想上了你becausethisfuckinghorndogjustwantstobangyou.你说什么呢Excuseme.你是怎么得出这个结论的Wherethehellareyougettingthat?我的天哪布莱尔这还不明显吗Oh,myGod,Blaire,it'ssoob